Golden Classics
by soapfiction
Summary: Parodies of classic movies and TV shows: Ranma style!
1. Chapter 1

Hey, welcome back. I'm about to present you with a new series of fanfics just for plain old fun. These will be Ranma ½ parodies of classic movies and TV shows. I watched a number of them enough to get the idea, and I just felt I had to write this down. The idea partially came from an old CCS parody fic series by wchan39 (that fic has been deleted due to its script format. Bureaucratic sons of bitches…). Anyway, enough rambling. I hope you enjoy the **Golden Classics** of Ranma ½.

Soapfics™ presents

A fanfic series by Soapfiction

**Golden Classics**

(An unintelligible sign starts spinning onto the black screen)

_Through eleven years…38 volumes of manga…125 anime TV episodes…three films and eleven OAVs…and a whole fan base all around the world…they changed the face of manga and anime forever. And the best part is…_

(Sign stops spinning, revealing the Ranma ½ logo)

…_they're back!_

(A huge crowd of fans pack a convention center at an Anime Con™. They are cheering for the main attraction to appear. Back stage, the cast of Ranma ½ are in the dressing room, fixing themselves up. Everyone's there- Ranma-kun, Akane, Ryoga, Shampoo, Mousse, Ukyo, Happosai, Genma-panda, Kasumi, Nabiki, and every other major character, all dressed in their normal attire. A staff member in a headset knocks on their door.)

"Hey! _Ranma ½_! You guys are up!"

(At this, the door opens, and they head into the halls, chatting with each other.)

"All right! I've been waiting for this!"

"Everyone ready?"

"Of course we are!"

(The crowd is still cheering outside)

_They are on the verge of the greatest comeback of all time…_

(They are still walking through the hall, Ranma and Ryoga leading the way.)

"Yeah! Let's go!"

"You hear that? They're cheering for _us_!"

_This is their moment…_

(The gang has come to a dead end in the backstage hall)

"Hey, where are we?"

"How should I know?"

"You've been leading us, you directionless dolt!" (Spatula smash)

_Their time has come…_

(Ranma and the others are talking to a maintenance member)

"See, you go right down this hall, through the door there, and take a left…"

_Any minute now…_

(After another journey through the hall, the gang finds themselves back at the staff member.)

"Where are we?"

"I think we're lost…"

"No duh!"

_Any second at all…_

"Down this way, there's a jog, about thirty feet. You just jog down there, see…

"Hey, we don't have time to know where to jog!"

_Get ready…_

(Ryoga bursts out of a random floor, followed by the rest of the NWC.)

"Where are we now?"

"We're at the Staples Center™, you moron!"

(Sure enough, the camera pulls back to reveal a basketball court, with the Lakers staring at the gang as their practice is delayed.)

_Get set…_

(Back at the AnimeCon, a guy dressed as Shesshomaru takes the mic at the stage before the crowd.)

"And now, the ones you've all been waiting for…the Nerima Wrecking Crew…it's the cast of _Ranma ½_!"

_For the greatest comeback in anime history!_

(After a long time, the gang finally makes their way onto the stage. The crowd, full of NWC cosplayers, goes absolutely wild. The gang takes a much-deserved bow.)

_This is Ranma ½!_

(Another anime cosplayer stands outside the building, talking to the camera.)

"Anime's deep, man. It's just…the best!"

_Catch the true story, soon!_

_

* * *

In this world, there's no bond stronger than that between a father and son…_

(Ranma is hammering boards into the wall of a spacey room. He sets the tools down, and takes a breather.)

_And, even better, is a father-son business…_

(Genma is painting the calligraphy for the sign for the dojo he and Ranma are opening. He finishes, and looks at his work.)

"Excellent! And so opens the Saotome and Son Anything-Goes School of Martial Arts!"

_With these two, you never what'll happen at your first karate lesson…_

(Genma sits crossed-legged across from a young boy in a gi.)

"Now, my dear boy, if you're going to be a great martial artist, the most important thing to know is-"

(A cinder block suddenly collides with his head, and sends him flat to the ground, slightly scaring the young boy. Ranma comes barging into the dojo.)

"Dammit, oyaji! That was all the food our budget would cover for a week! Do you always have to be such a glutton?"

(Genma counters with a dresser. The two begin to fight as the boy watches.)

"Is food all you think about, boy? Your father has to be in top condition to train our pupils!"

"Yeah, right! Like you could ever teach them anything useful! They always end up as idiots!"

"You mean idiots like you?"

"Shut up!"

(Ranma attacks with a kick, but is deflected into the koi pond- yes, they have one as well. Ranma-chan the splashes her father as he stands laughing. The two resume fighting as the kid perks up.)

"Cool! My sensei's a panda!"

(His mother, however, doesn't share the sentiment, and drags the boy away as the other family keeps fighting.

_Truly, they are a close family…_

(Genma has stolen the last piece of shashimi as Ranma looks on, crushing his chopsticks.)

"You're a dirty old man, you know that?"

"And I'm going to be one until I'm a dead old man."

"You got that right!"

(The two break into another fight)

_And there's no problem they can't solve…_

(Genma sits at the kotatsu table while Ranma checks the fridge)

"We could have rice and roasted pork now and a little watermelon later. Or a little watermelon now and rice and pork later. Or if you like the rice and pork, you can have them and I'll take the watermelon, or I can take the rice and pork, and you the watermelon. So, what'll it be? Watermelon or rice and pork?"

"We're out of food."

"In that case, we can go to the dumpsters behind the noodle house, and have rotten rice and pork-"

"Would you stop that?"

_Saotome and Son: the Ideal Father-and-Son Team_

"You're dumb, son. Just plain dumb."

"Look who's talking!"

_

* * *

It's Christmas Eve in Tokyo…_

(Ranma walks through the bus station, where dozens of couples are meeting happily. Sadly, no one is there to meet him. He sulks, and moves on.)

"Feh. Show-offs."

_There's a party at the biggest company in town…_

(In an office building, Akane is sorting through some papers. Another woman peeks in at her door.)

"Hey, Akane- is your friend coming tonight?"

"Heh…well…"

_And Tokyo cop Ranma Saotome has come to reunite with his girlfriend._

(Ranma steps out of a limo, and looks up at the forty-story high rise. In the next shot, he steps off the elevator and into the lively Christmas party. He then meets with Akane, and the two are a bit embarrassed by each other.)

"Hi…"

"Hi…"

(When they are alone, the two meet in a slight embrace, before recoiling. They've got their reasons.)

_Instead…_

(At the party, an elevator opens to reveal several North Korean men dressed in black, and carrying automatic weapons. They all run into the crowd, firing their submachine guns into the air to scare the crowd. Akane is among them.)

_He's going to be forced to save everyone…_

(Ranma watches from his hiding place as a short man in a business suit starts talking to the crowd of hostages.)

"This corporation, as well as the whole country of Japan will get a lesson in imperialism and abuse of power. You are all witnesses!"

_A group of international terrorists have taken over the party…_

(Several shots of terrorists leading people through the building, as well as searching rooms and planting bombs. All the time, Ranma is hiding nearby, holding a mere automatic pistol.)

_They're as brilliant…_

(The head terrorist, Kim, speaks to the corporate head in one of the top floors.)

"I'm not interested in your computer; I'm interested in what's inside your vault: namely the 6 billion yen in bearer bonds. And the computer controls the vault."

_...as they are ruthless._

(The corporate head refuses to cooperate. All the while, Ranma is watching from under a desk in the next room.)

"I'm telling you, you're just gonna have to kill me."

"Okay."

(Kim shoots him in the head, and Ranma looks on, shocked, from the next room.)

"We'll do it the hard way."

_Now, the fate of the hostages relies on one man…_

(Ranma runs up several flights of stairs to the upper levels to avoid contact with terrorists.)

"Dammit! Think, think…man, what am I gonna do?"

_The one thing they _didn't_ count on…_

(Ranma rides on top of an elevator car as it travels up the shaft. He's in a wife beater, and holds a submachine gun. In the next shot, he's hanging from a thin rope in a long, dark ventilator shaft, a slip away from plunging to his doom.)

_No one is safe up in a Tokyo High Rise! (80's techno music starts playing)_

(Ranma is up on the roof of the building, with submachine gun in one hand, and CB radio in the other.)

"They are killing the hostages slowly, and they are fortifying their positions while you're jerking me off!"

(Off in the police station, a woman responds to his call.)

"Whoever you are, this channel is reserved for emergency calls only."

"_No fucking shit, lady! Does it sound like I'm ordering take-out?"_

(On the ground, police cruisers cover every inch of the parking lots. Officers and SWAT members are scurrying around as the police sirens light up the night. Two guys in suits are talking to the head officers.)

"We're taking it from here. You can all go home."

"Are you sure about that?"

"Hey, what about the man inside?"

"Who's he?"

(On the roof, Ranma is firing his automatic weapon into the air to scare all the hostages back down into the building. The SWAT chopper suddenly rises up from below the roof, and fires at him. He scurries to avoid the gunfire.)

"I'm on _your_ side, you assholes!"

(Kim speaks on his own CB.)

"Really…you're most troublesome for a security guard…"

(Ranma is searching the pockets of the terrorists he has just killed. He answers with a laugh.)

"Sorry, wrong guess Kim! You wanna try again?"

(Ranma runs through a room full of computers, ducking below the desks to avoid gunfire. He occasionally pokes up to fire back. He then notices one of the henchmen, as he sends a disc-shaped bomb sliding across the tile floor. He leaps over a desk just as it explodes under him, and lands in a pile of broken glass.)

"Do you really think you have a chance against us, Ninja-boy?"

(Ranma answers in kind on the CB.)

"Yippee Ki-Yay, motherfucker-"

**BOOM!**

(The entire ground floor of the building explodes from a C-4 blast. The fire from the blast travels up an elevator shaft, where Ranma is watching from a higher level. As he sees the fire coming, his eyes go wide.)

"Oh, SHIT!"

(He dives away to avoid the fiery blast.)

(Down on the ground, an angry police chief yells into the CB.)

"Dammit! I don't know who you think you are, but you just destroyed the building! I'm in charge here, not you!"

(Ranma, who is sitting back on the higher level, responds in kind.)

"Oh, _you're_ in charge. Lemme tell you something: I'm up here, where it doesn't look like you're I charge of jack shit."

(Meanwhile, a police armored vehicle crashes into the building, where the terrorists blast it with rockets.)

(Ranma runs across the roof, sliding down a slanted part to avoid gunfire. He lands on the very edge of the building, looking down forty stories with wide eyes.)

_He's easy to like…_

(Ranma crawls through the narrow air vents, with a cigarette lighter in hand. He scoffs)

" 'Come on down, we'll get together, have fun!' Please!"

_And very hard to kill…_

(In slow-mo, Ranma leaps off the side of the building, a fire hose tied to his waist. Right when he leaps, the roof explodes, sending a storm of fire right behind him. He falls down the side of the building, and crashes through the window.)

_Tokyo High Rise_

(Ranma lays down on the floor after crashing through the window on the 30th floor. He groans as he raises his head.)

"Dammit…I didn't even wanna come down here…oh, who am I kidding…"

_

* * *

When the workday is done, and you're tired out of your wits, don't you like nothing more than to go to that one place…_

(A familiar bald, yellow-skinned Springfieldian walks through the streets of Nerima. He spots a stairway that leads down to a door. It appears to be a bar, with an Okonomiyaki shop above it. He descends the staircase, and walks through the door.)

"Hmm…this seems like a nice place…"

(The place is a fully stocked bar. Inside are several people, none of whom look lively. The bartender is a tall, dark-haired man with a single pigtail, and he talks with a shorthaired waitress. Other men and women are scattered around the area. A young man wearing a bandanna mans the bar while the bartender talks.)

"Ranma, you're too old to go fifty miles to fight with two phoenix people champions, on the same night that you're supposed to marry Akane, without Shampoo or Ukyo knowing."

"All right, Nabiki, I'll make you a bet: if this affects my comeback as the world's greatest martial artist, I'll sell the bar!"

(Over at the other side of the bar, and older man wearing a gi holds out an empty beer bottle.)

"Ryoga- give me a beer!"

"I think you've had enough tonight, Mr. Saotome. My doctor says I can't carry you home anymore, since we always pass that soccer field at the sprinkler time, and the inevitable happens."

"Just give me another beer, you brain-dead PIG!"

(He smashes the bottle, and holds out the broken end at the crowd.)

"I'll kill you! I'll kill all of ya'!"

(He is retrained by two men; one of them is about the same age, with long hair and a mustache. The other is taller, with shorter hair, and a sword tied to his belt.)

"Whoa, settle down there Saotome!"

"Yes! Gotta save those pipes for karaoke!"

(All this frightens the bald newcomer, who gasps and retreats. Afterwards, Genma has calmed down.)

(Sniff) "I love you guys…"

(He begins sobbing, and the other men comfort him. The piano theme to _Cheers_ starts playing.)

_Where Everybody Knows Your Name_

_A show so good, you'll think you're there. Watch it!_

* * *

(In the Bayankala Mountains of China, Ranma watches Ryoga run off towards the springs of Jusenkyo. He then turns his head to a bunch of long, thick poles. They are obviously holding something up. He looks back at the one running off, then moves his hand towards the poles. With a simple flick of his fingers, they have broken. The dam to his side breaks, and an enormous avalanche of water comes rampaging down the path, trailing Ryoga. He runs for his life.) 

_The Big…_

(We see a shot of Ranma as he adjusts and flicks his ponytail.)

_The Blind…_

(This time, it's Mousse standing on top of a mountain, clad in his Amazon outfit, and gazing out into the wilderness.)

_The Lost…_

(Ryoga, who is sprawled out on the ground, slowly gets back up. He looks around to see where he is- and is shocked to see that he's at the cursed springs.)

_The biggest powers in China are fighting to the death…_

(Hundreds of athletic men wearing animal skins, and tons of people with wings face off against each other on the battlefield in the mountains. They fight savagely.)

…_and the price is brutal._

(Musk people are snatched from the ground by Phoenix people, and dropped into the rocky mountain cliffs. Strong Musk men hurl boulders as the Phoenix people, striking hits every so often. Bodies of both sides lay all over the place.)

_But for these three men…_

(A quick three-lapse of Ranma, Mousse, and Ryoga- in said order.)

_This conflict wasn't war…_

(Ranma and Ryoga watch as the Musk and Phoenix people fight it out over the mountains. Over at another spot, Mousse watches as well.)

…_it was PRACTICE!_

(Ryoga is tied up by a number of Chinese natives, and is about to be cut down. All of a sudden, a stream of water comes out of nowhere, and splashes onto Ryoga, reverting him to his pig form. He promptly escapes, while the natives are distracted by a huge tornado in the area, one caused by Ranma.)

_Sometimes, they worked as a team…_

(Ranma and Ryoga are splitting reward money Ranma got for bringing in Ryoga as a 'wanted criminal'. After Ryoga is done counting, he stuff the money into his pocket.)

"There are only two kinds of people in this world, my friend: those who get lost, and those who have the job of leading them home. And I run the risks for us."

(Ranma laughs lightly)

"You may get us the money, p-chan. But I'm the one who leads us to our next score. If my sense of duty gets hurt, I just may lose you along the way."

(Ryoga laughs as well.)

"Yeah? Well, if you lose me, you'd better be long gone. Whoever leaves me in the dust and lets me find them…they understand _nothing_ about Ryoga Hibiki…"

_And sometimes alone…_

(Mousse is talking with an old man in a dark hotel room.)

"I did the job, just like you asked. Got the name, then finished him."

"Oh, good!"

(The old man, lying in bed, pulls out a wad of bills from under his pillow."

"Here; this is for you. You did a good job."

(Mousse pockets the money.)

"Oh, yes. He also mentioned something that interested me. Something about a spring. Another Nannichuan."

"Really? I wouldn't know about that…"

"Of course you wouldn't. Oh, and one more thing: he gave me a thousand before he died. I think he meant that I'd kill you."

(Both of them share a laugh. Mousse then reaches for the old mans' pillow.)

"But the truth is that when I'm paid, I always see my job through to the end. You know that."

(The mans' smile disappears.)

"No! Mu-tsu, don't-"

(Mousse smothers the man with the pillow, then wrings a metal cable around his neck, finishing him off as the man struggles. When he finally slumps dead, Mousse smiles, and blows out the light.)

_But they were all working for one thing…_

(Ryoga looks around at all the dry springs with signs on them. He then bounds through the field of springs, searching for the right one. He zigzags back and forth between dry springs, before finally stopping at a sign that says 'Nannichuan'.)

…_one goal…_

(Ryoga is trying to dig up the spring with his bare hands, but not even the breaking point can do it. All of a sudden, a shovel falls at his knees. He looks up to see Ranma smiling slyly. After he resumes digging, another shovel flies in, landing at Ranma's feet. He turns to see Mousse, grasping another weapon in his hand.

…_the SPRING!_

(Ryoga strikes the hole one final time with the shovel, and a geyser of Nannichuan erupts from the spring. In another shot, all three of them have spread out on the field of springs, each standing on a bamboo pole. They all eye each other warily. The camera cuts back and forth between their eyes, their fists, and their stances on the poles, all in very quick succession. Finally, all at the same moment, they leap towards each other, and clash.)

_The Big, the Blind, and the Lost_

_For three men, tribal war was just practice towards the real goal._

* * *

There you have it. I figured five was enough for each chapter. Let me know what you think! Also, here's the key: 

Parody #1: _This is Spinal Tap!_

Parody #2: _Sanford and Son_

Parody #3: _Die Hard_

Parody #4: _Cheers_

Parody #5: _The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly_

Not all of you have seen all of those things, but you should sometime. _Spinal Tap_ is a great movie, easily the best mockumentary ever made. _Sanford and Son_ is a hilarious 70's show about father and son, and you can see why I related it to Ranma. _Die Hard_ is THE BEST action movie ever made. I'm shocked that I've never seen a Ranma fic relating to it before. _Cheers_ is a classic 80's show about a Boston bar and its cronies. I'm sure you've heard of it before. And _The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly_ is one of the best westerns ever made. It's an awesome movie overall. If you haven't seen these movies/shows, see them! (At least read about the shows)

I hope you all liked this first chapter. I'm going to write as many of these as I can. I've already got several ideas, but if you want to suggest a parody idea, go ahead. Just go by these terms: **1)** No other animes (sorry). **2)** No very recent mainstream movies (exceptions will be made if I see something I like). And **3)** No real life stories. Other than that, suggest anything. Until then, read and review (please review- it doesn't take much). Happy trails.


	2. Chapter 2

All right! I'm back with the second round of Ranma parodies. Hope you all enjoyed the first series, 'cause they're only gonna get better.

I saw some good suggestions from the reviewers. Yes, I know Kill Bill is a recent movie, but I liked it nonetheless. Look for a parody of it in later chapters. Other suggestions were good (except for 'Friends'; I loathe that show with an unholy passion), and I hope I'll find a way to use 'em. Until then, here is the next batch of **Golden Classics**.

**Golden Classics**

**Chapter 2**

(We are treated to an aerial view of the Bayakala mountain range. The camera keeps going until we get to Jusenkyo.)

_In the late 1980's, a group of teens all journeyed through the Bayankala range in China. They all ended up falling into the legendary cursed springs of Jusenkyo, each gaining a water-triggered curse. They were all rounded up by the keepers of the springs, who intended to try them for trespassing and unlawful use. The men ultimately escaped from their prison to the Tokyo underground. Still wanted today by the keepers of the springs, they survive as martial artists for hire. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them…maybe you can hire…the Half-Team._

(Theme music starts)

(Camera shows Ranma throwing a thug over a wall into a pond as others run away. We then see Ryoga as he digs his way through a rock tunnel, only to find his way to the enemies' lair, and crushing them with the debris. In the next shot, Mousse swings from his grappling hook through the trees, and knocks two thugs out of the trees. And, in the final shot, Pantyhose Taro lifts an enormous boulder into the air, and sends it down a steep hill, where it disposes of several baddies.)

(This time, the boys are all standing on a street in Tokyo. A young, attractive girl approaches them.)

"Excuse me, I need your help! These drug dealers keep threatening my father, and we haven't been able to make a living with our business! Please, I beg of you!"

(Ranma smiles, and nods to the others. All but Pantyhose respond with a smile of their own.)

"Miss, you just hired the Half-Team! Let's go!"

_Led by Ranma "Aqua Boy" Saotome, known for his skills in leadership, and, of course, deception!_

(Ranma changes to his girl form, and runs out to an enemy guard, wearing torn clothes.)

"Kyaa! Oh, sir! I'm ever-so-desperate for help! Won't you please help me?"

"Uh…who are…"

(As the guard is distracted, the others make their way past the gate. When they are through, Ranma pulls a mallet out of nowhere, and pummels the guard.)

_Ryoga "Bacon" Hibiki, who led them with his ability to crumble mountains with a finger touch…sometimes in the wrong direction!_

(The team is moving through an underground tunnel that Ryoga, in the lead, is making.)

"For cryin' out loud, we've been going through this mountain for three hours!"

"Do you even know where you're going?"

"You better not have gotten us lost again, pig-boy!"

"Will you all shut up? I'm sure this leads to the Bayankala Range!"

(When they finally head upwards, they burst through the surface…only to see a fully-armored tank move in, and fall into their hole. They are nearly crushed, but manage to climb out of the whole…to find themselves facing a lone young man, in Tiananmen Square.)

"Holy…"

"Not again…"

(The tank driver climbs up out of the whole as well.)

"Shit…I was actually gonna run him over, too."

_Mousse "Blind as a Bat", who was the technical genius of the group…when he could see his work!_

(The gang is waiting while Mousse fixes the van- yes, they also have a van.)

"What's taking him so long?"

"How should I know? Just let him do it, he's always done it before."

"Is he wearing his glasses?"

"…Uh oh…"

**BOOM!**

(Smoke and soot cover everything and everyone as Mousse lays where the van used to be.)

"Hey, where'd the van go? I can't feel anything now!"

(The other three, covered in soot, crack their knuckles.)

_And finally, Pantyhose "Pants" Taro, the muscle and attitude of the team…just don't call him by his real name!_

(Taro sits in a crossed-leg position while the others head toward the van.)

"I'm not going on this mission! I don't care for those people at all."

(Ryoga turns to him.)

"How're we supposed to get paid, moron?"

"How should I know? I'm just fine!"

(Ranma walks up behind him.)

"Whatever you say, Pantyhose…"

"Don't call me that! I'm going to kill you all!"

**WHAM! WHAM! WHAM!**

(Pantyhose lays flat on the floor, three enormous bumps on his head. Ranma, Ryoga, and Mousse all stand over him, each armed with a mallet.)

"Dumb jerk…"

"Get him in the van."

(Various other clips, including the van leaping over guerillas, Ryoga bursting out of the van with an assault rifle, Pantyhose beating the crap out of baddies and his own group, car crashes, fights between Ranma and the head bad guy, more car crashes, the group escaping on Pantyhose-bull, and many more.)

_The ½ Team_

(Ranma dusts his hands off, and holds his head high.)

"I love it when a plan comes together!"

(Ryoga walks up behind him.)

"What the hell are you talking about? This plan failed, and you know it!"

(The camera zooms out to reveal a bunch of flaming wrecks, and several bodies lying around.)

"Way to rub it in, Porky!"

* * *

(In an Air Port in Hong Kong, Ranma is talking on a payphone while everyone else talks on cells. He glances at the others with bored eyes as he waits for his call to go through.) 

"Hey, Akane."

(Up in the sky, on a plane heading for Hong Kong, Akane sits at a window seat, talking on a cell of her own.)

"Ranma! Finally, you got through!"

"Yeah, I guess you got into the right airspace. Who's idea was it to come to Hong Kong, for Christmas, anyway?"

"Don't ask me. I just can't believe Oji-sama was able to get all of you there early."

"Yeah. Listen, when you land, can we drop the kids with our parents, check into a hotel…you know, order some room service…"

(Smiles) "You're on, handsome."

"I'll see you later."

(He hangs up, and walks through the crowd, walking past the food court, where a couple of Americans wearing black coats sit, holding boxes of equipment.)

_Christmas Eve…_

(Ranma suspiciously watches the two Americans walk into a restricted area. He gets up, and follows them to the same door- it's locked. He calls over a janitor, and flashes his badge.)

"There a cop on duty around here?"

"Airport police…"

"Go get 'em."

(In another shot, we see several other men, most of them American, exiting various rooms and walking down a hall in a group. They all wear black, military-style clothes, and carry various packages.)

_Hong Kong International Airport…_

(The commandos set up a miniature control tower at a Buddhist temple. The monk watching the place lays dead on the ground. Outside, the others are tapping into the underground wiring system. Finally, after one man swings an axe down on a cable, we switch to the airport, where all the runway lights switch off.)

_The tower's lost control…_

(All the controllers and operators in the tower are panicking.)

"Instrument landing system is down!"

"Backup systems won't come up!"

"We've got rain conditions- zero visibility!"

(The head of the tower speaks into headset mic.)

"Attention all controllers- we have a code red alert."

(A plane coming in from Japan- Akane's plane- is having trouble staying in the air.)

_There's panic in the air…_

(Ranma is arguing with the airport police chief.)

"Don't you guys get it? This is the résumé of a professional mercenary! You've got the world's biggest drug dealer on his way here, (cut to TV footage of Chinese general in handcuffs, being led onto a plane) and you're telling me you can't figure this out?"

"I want you outta' my office before I have you thrown outta' my goddamn airport!"

_And panic on the ground…_

(The head controller speaks on the radio to the head mercenary.)

"How did you get on this line? Who the hell are you?"

"Who I am is unimportant…what I want is _very_ important."

(A S.W.A.T. team is leading a technician through a remote part of the airport. They are suddenly ambushed by a group of mercs disguised as maintenance. The ensuing firefight kills all of the S.W.A.T. members, leaving only the technician, who is held at gunpoint by one of he mercs. All of a sudden, Ranma bursts out of a vent directly above the henchman, and unloads his pistol down into the man. He then jumps from the vent, and crawls along the ground, slowly dispatching the other mercs.)

(Meanwhile, down in an underground airport tunnel, Ranma clutches both a radio and a ma, unsure of where to go.)

"Oh, we are just up to our _ass_ in terrorists again, Ranny!"

_But for police officer Ranma Soatome…_

(Ranma is crawling through the vents when he hears gunfire nearby. He pulls his own weapon.)

"Dammit, I hate it when I'm right!"

_It's just another Christmas…_

(Various clips of Ranma shooting terrorists, diving to avoid explosions, stabbing a thug in the eye with an icicle, and chasing after terrorists on a snowmobile.)

(Up in the tower, the controllers notice something.)

"Hey, there's someone on the runway!"

"It's Soatome!"

(Indeed, Ranma is waving two pipes in the air, each wrapped in gasoline-soaked cloth and set afire. He tries, fruitlessly, to signal the incoming plane, which simply flies over him.)

"Pull up!"

(Back in the terminal, the controller speaks to Ranma.)

"Your wife's plane- they're gonna run outta' fuel in 90 minutes."

(Cut to Ranma moving head on into the path of another snowmobile on his own, blazing a submachine gun, not knowing it's full of blanks. The others gun down his snowmobile, and send it flying into the woods, where he leaps off of it before it explodes.)

(In the next shot, Ranma leaps from a news chopper onto the wing of a moving 747, where the terrorists are getting away. He is met by another, and the two battle it out until Ranma kicks him away, where he is sucked into the turbine engine. The next guy, however, proves to be too much for Ranma, as he knocks Ranma to the edge of the wing, where he dangles for his life. Ranma is kicked off the plane, but not before he opens the emergency fuel port. Back on the ground, as the terrorists are celebrating their supposed getaway, Ranma reaches into his pocket, pulls out a lighter, draws a flame, and utters a single line he learned from an American action film.)

"Yippee Ki-Yay, motherfucker."

(He throws the lighter into the trail of fuel, where it ignites, and follows the plane at an alarming speed, catching up just as the plane lifts off. The plane explodes in an amazing blast of inferno, taking all aboard with it.)

_Hong Kong Air_

_This time, you'll be blown sky-high._

* * *

(We are treated to a nice view of a small town in the mountains of northern Japan. It's a cloudy day, and people are going about their normal lives.) 

_It's a quiet, small mountain town…_

(We cut to a shot of a young man wearing a yellow, spotted bandanna walking down a mountain road towards the town. He carries a backpack and a parasol on his back.)

_And he's a quiet, simple man…_

(Ryoga keeps walking down the road, towards the town. A local police chief spots him from his cruiser, and drives over to meet him, stopping right in front of Ryoga.)

"Looking for someone, stranger?"

_But what this town doesn't know…_

(Ryoga is now riding in the passenger seat with the chief, who is driving him through town.)

_This simple drifter…_

"You're a soldier, huh? I figured. Where you headed?"

"Sendai."

"I'll get you on the right path."

"What, I can't stop here?"

…_is no ordinary man…_

(The chief has dropped Ryoga off at the end of town.)

"Sendai, ten miles that way! Good luck!"

(He then drives back toward town, only to see Ryoga heading back that way as well. He angrily turns around.)

_And things are bound to happen…_

(The chief now has Ryoga at the local police station. The officers all give him the hostile eye. Ryoga stands his ground, saying nothing.)

"Boy, you'd better start talking to us right now, 'cause you're just making things worse!"

(They proceed to take him down to the basement, and strike him with their riot clubs. When they force him to strip, a younger officer is shocked by all the scars Ryoga has on his body.)

"Good God! What happened to him?"

"Who cares? It don't matter now."

(After hosing him down, they have him in another room, where officers are holding Ryoga back against a wall. During this, Ryoga has flashbacks to past events relating to torture. A man with a razor approaches him.)

"Forget the suds, just shave him dry!"

_Things that go too far…_

(As the man approaches, Ryoga flashes back to being tortured with a knife. He responds by kicking the man clear across the room. He then throws the other men around, and dashes out of the building, knocking away anyone in his way. He then steals a motorcycle, and rides off into the mountains, all the while pursued by the police.)

_Now, this small, quiet town is out to find him…_

(Several police officers search the woods, all armed with rifles or shotguns. One man shepherds the police dogs.)

_But they have no idea…_

(One officer slowly makes his way through the woods, flashlight in hand. Then, he hears a scream from his fellow officer.)

"Toshi! Are you okay?"

…_what they are in for!_

(All of a sudden, he steps into a trap, and is yanked up by his feet by a noose.)

(Cut to a group of officers standing on a cliff. One has a radio.)

"_We just got some news on this guy: he's a vet from China! Fought in that war against the Musk! Guy's a war hero!"_

_(Cut to a shot of Soun Tendo, talking to the officers of the town.)_

"You don't seem to know what you're up against. Ryoga was the best back in China; trained in everything: stealth…"

(Ryoga blends within a tree as searchers walk right past him.)

"…combat…"

(Ryoga jumps out of his hiding place, kicks a rifle out of the soldiers' hands, and throws him down the hill.)

"…and survival under any circumstances."

(Ryoga rests under a well-built shelter during a raging storm, his fire kept alive well.)

(Cut back to Soun and the officers.)

"What did you come here for? To protect him?"

"I didn't come here to protect him from you: I came here to protect _you_ from _him_."

(Cut to Soun speaking on the CB.)

"Company leader to identify team: Saotome, Hibiki, Mu-Tsu, Taro, Kobayashi, Shimura, Mifune, confirm! This is Colonel Tendo!"

(Ryoga responds.)

"They're all dead, sir. I'm the last one."

(Ryoga stands at the top of a hill, next to a large boulder.)

(Cut back to earlier)

"Ryoga, you need to stop this. Let me fly you outta' there."

(Cut back to the hill, where soldiers are advancing towards Ryoga.)

(Back to Ryoga with CB.)

"They broke the first wall, not me."

(Ryoga uses the breaking point on the boulder, sending an avalanche of debris on the soldiers.)

(Several more clips, including Ryoga destroying a gas station with an M-60, breaking through boulders in an abandoned mine shaft, ambushing soldiers, and hijacking a truck.)

_First Break_

(Cut to the chief arguing with Soun.)

"Are you telling me that 200 of our men against your boy is a no-win situation for us?"

"You send that many, don't forget one thing."'

"What?"

"A good supply of body bags."

* * *

(Long drum roll tune starts as we are treated to a view of what looks like some sort of detention center in Hawaii. We close-up on a cabin, where Sasuke and a few guards open up the door, letting out several teenagers. Among them are Ranma, Ryoga, Mousse, Diasuke, Hiroshi, and Gosunkugi, as well as several others. At the cabin across from theirs'. The door opens, and out walks Principal Kuno, dressed in some sort of colonel's uniform, with a Hawaiian touch. He is accompanied by the younger Kuno, as well as several of the teachers. Drum roll converts into theme music as each of the characters get a close-up.) 

(Sasuke is knocking on the barracks door.)

"Hello? Is anyone there? Will one of you please open the door?"

(Someone finally opens the door: it's Ranma.)

"What do you want, Sasuke?"

"Don't give me that, Saotome! I'm your barracks officer, and I shall see what you all are up to!"

(Ranma smiles.)

"Be my guest."

(He opens the door to reveal the rest of the barracks engaged in making illegal products for exports; things popular in Japan, but only found in Hawaii. Ryoga stands at the head of the group, and gives Sasuke a sly grin from his spot. Sasuke cringes- it's way too much for him to deal with.)

"Oh…well, I'll just be going now."

"Have a good time, pal."

(Ranma slams the door, and Sasuke walks away.)

"I see nothing- nothing!"

"Sasuke!"

(Sasuke goes white, and turns to face Kuno, carrying his bokken like an idiot.)

"What were you saying just now?"

(Sweats) "Nothing, master! It's all right! There is absolutely nothing going on! Nothing at all!"

(In another shot, Daisuke is fixing up another student with some Hawaiian clothes. Ryoga sits at a desk right beside them.)

"You're doing a great job, Dai. Hopefully our friend will be able to make it to the right spot. If he's lucky, he may get as far as Pearl Harbor."

(The new kid turns to Ryoga.)

"Uh, Colonel Hibiki?"

"Yes?"

"How exactly are you planning to sneak me out of here?"

"You have to look like a Hawaiian tourist if you're going to get through the principal's guards."

"So, what about the one who I replaced? Do they know he's missing?"

"No, only Sasuke knows, and he's our barracks guard."

"So you bribe him?"

"Oh, we don't have to do that…you see, if you're a different man, that means there's a man missing. And if there's a man missing, zoom, Sasuke gets a vacation at Furinkan High. And we all know what happens there."

"That's brilliant, sir!"

"Well, it's just a plan…"

(Afterwards, Ryoga is talking face-to-face with Principal Kuno.)

"You keiki seriously think you can get away wid all these escape attempts? From now on, dey mus stop!"

"Are you sure about that, principal? I mean, if we gave up trying to escape, what would your superiors think of this place?"

"What you mean, boy?"

"Well, think about it. They probably wouldn't need a principal to run this place. A simple teacher could do it! Heck, a _sampai_ could do it."

(The principal's face goes white.)

"A _sempai_?"

"Oh, it's okay, _I _don't think you're gonna be sent back to Furinkan."

"Ahh! You heard some'tin'? Who said it? Taki?"

(Ryoga's face remains calm.)

"Hinako? Sasuke?"

(At that name, Ryoga cringes- purposefully.)

"A-ha! I knew dat big mouth would say stuff like dat!"

"Well, he's just doin' his job…and doing it damn well!"

(Ryoga steals a few pineapples off the desk when the principal isn't looking, and runs off. The principal notices the missing fruit, and gapes.)

"Hiiibiiikiii!"

(Now, we see Gosunkugi leading Kuno outside the barracks.)

"Is what you say true, Gosunkugi? Have they been participating in illegal dealing?"

"Yes, sir. It's right through the ground. This pull on the water tower opens the underground tunnel."

(Meanwhile, Ryoga and the others are watching from behind the barracks. Kuno pulls on the rope, which only results in them being splashed with water. He looks angrily at Gosunkugi as Ryoga signals a thumbs-up to his friends.)

_Hibiki's Heroes_

(Sasuke stands in a hall, his eyes closed. Behind him, students are sneaking equipment through the hall.)

"I see nothing…"

_

* * *

Like every city, Tokyo, Japan has its bad parts of town…_

(We are taken through a shabby-looking street in Tokyo to a nearby bank. Several people are at work there.)

_And in the scum of the town lives the scum of the population…_

(The doors suddenly burst open, and in come half a dozen hooded criminals, all carrying automatic weapons. They seize control of the bank, and take the patrons hostage.)

_And in a town like this…_

(A police cruiser speeds up to the bank, and out of it step Ryoga and Mousse, both ready for action.)

_There's only one way to deal with criminals…_

(Two of the criminals are backing towards a side door; one holds a hostage, the other holds a case of stolen cash. As they back up, the camera focuses on the door.)

…_the old-fashioned way!_

(The door suddenly bursts open, and out comes Ranma, dressed in his usual attire, only with a badge. He grabs hold of both the criminals, slams them together, then delivers a hard kick to each of them, sending them flying into the wall. Mousse and Ryoga both join him, and the three of them proceed to manhandle the criminals. Of course, we focus mostly on Ranma, who delivers chops, punches, head-butts, and finishes them off with the traditional roundhouse kick.)

_Here, the cops make it their business to be the law._

(Ranma is twisting the arm of a rapist, who is kneeling on the ground in pain. A frightened girl sits nearby.)

"Hey, cop, you screwed up! You forgot to read me my rights!"

(Ranma responds) "You're right! You have the right (kicks the rapist in the face, knocking him over) to remain silent!"

_And one of them is the ultimate in law enforcement._

(Ranma is staring down a bartender after walking in and causing a ruckus.)

"This is Osaka, cop! You Tokyo Rangers have no right here! No right!"

(Ranma raises an eyebrow.)

"No right?"

"No!"

(Ranma slams a right-handed punch into the bartenders' face, sending him on a speedy trip to the ground.)

"I think that was a pretty good right."

_Nothing in the world can stop him…_

(Ranma packs a number of tuxedos into the police cruiser, and closes the trunk. He then gets in with Ryoga.)

"We can't let these suits get damaged, okay? Akane's countin' on me to get 'em to her in time for Kasumi's wedding!"

"Don't worry, the suits'll be fine!"

(The radio suddenly snaps on.)

"_Attention all units, report of a 2-11 in progress at the First Bank of Nerima, request assistance…"_

(They drive to the robbery, and get out of the car. One of the criminals has a grenade, and he tries to use it. When he throws it at them, Ryoga kicks it away, where it rolls under the car. Ryoga cringes, realizing his mistake.)

"Uh oh…"

"Duh!"

(The car explodes, and they dive for cover.)

"The suits!"

"The car!"

"What? Never mind the car! Akane's gonna kill us!"

"Maybe we should just head to…Bolivia."

"That's not far enough!"

_And he always gets the job done…_

(Ranma drives his car through the wall of a warehouse, jumps out, and starts shooting criminals. After several of the crooks have been dealt with by way of the gun, he faces of with the big boss in a game of fisticuffs.)

…_every time._

(Ranma delivers several punches, kicks and grapples to the crime boss, before finishing him with a slow-mo roundhouse kick. He wipes the sweat off his forehead.)

"Sleep tight, sucker."

_Ranma, Tokyo Ranger_

"You have the right to remain still while I dragon kick your face."

* * *

There. The second round of parodies is done. Hope you enjoyed this one, too. Now, for the key: 

Parody #1: _The A-Team_

Parody #2: _Die Hard 2: Die Harder_

Parody #3: _First Blood_

Parody #4: _Hogan's Heroes_

Parody #5: _Walker, Texas Ranger_

Again, I'm sure not all of you are familiar with all of these. But a lot of you should be by now. Those of you who watch _Family Guy_ are definitely aware of _The A-Team_, thanks to a recent episode. _The A-Team_ is the show that Mr. T was famous for. References were all over that episode of _Family Guy_. As for _Die Hard 2_, it's simply the first sequel to _Die Hard_. Look for a parody of _Die Hard: With a Vengeance_ in the next chapter. _First Blood_ is a 1982 Sylvester Stallone movie, the first in the _Rambo_ series. I just did this because I'm a huge 80's action fan. Doing the sequels will be a lot more fun. All you _Family Guy_ watchers should also be aware of _Hogan's Heroes_, as Peter mentions it several times during the series (does the name Bob Crane sound familiar?). It's a sitcom about a group of allied prisoners in a Nazi POW camp, and raising hell for the camp officers. And _Walker, Texas Ranger_ is a show about Texas cops, starring Chuck Norris. It was only a matter of time before he and Ranma crossed paths. I'm also sure that if Ranma ever watched American TV, that would be his favorite show.

Well, that's all. Until next time, keep up the reviews and suggestions. I need more, people!


	3. Chapter 3

Six reviews for the last chapter: not bad. That means faster updates, if they keep coming in greater numbers. Sorry if this was long for you , but I get writer's block, same as anybody.

Anyway, here's the next set. Got a real nice set of parodies for you here. Enjoy!

**Golden Classics**

**Chapter 3**

(A3's _Woke up this morning_ starts playing.)

(We are treated to a cars' POV, from the inside, moving through a tunnel in a busy street. The car quickly moves out of the tunnel, into a freeway overlooking Tokyo. We see the Tokyo Tower in the side view mirror before it fades from view as the car drives away. The car pulls up to a toll booth, stopping at the gate. We then see a hand extend to grab the ticket, and pull it back into the car. It's Genma, and he has a long, unlit cigar in his mouth. We then see several other shots, including a plane landing, several other cars and trucks passing by, as well as Genma lighting and smoking his cigar. He keeps driving through the busy streets until he comes to a smaller town- Nerima. He drives through the smaller streets, passing many places, such as Furinkan High School, Ucchans', the Nekohanten, and the doctor's office- all seen through the view of Genma's car. He eventually pulls up to the entrance of the Tendo Dojo, parks his car, and exits, walking into the house.)

_Meet Genma Saotome…_

(Genma sits at a table in the backroom of a teahouse. Also at the table are Soun, Happosai, Ranma and Ryoga. They are doing various things, from counting money to sorting stolen goods.)

_He's got two families…_

"Where'd you two get all those antique weapons?"

(Ranma smiles as he polishes off a dagger.)

"We hijacked a truck heading out of the Chinese sector. No protection or anything! Piece of cake!"

(Genma sighs angrily before picking up a nearby ashtray, and hurling it at Ranma's head. The piece breaks, and Ranma is sent tumbling backwards in his chair, much to the surprise of everyone around him.)

"OW! Pops, what the hell- oof!"

(He looks up to see Genma standing over him, pressing one foot down onto his chest.)

"Are you really that stupid? I told you not to touch the Chinese part of town! You want a war going on between us and that old hag? Huh? Is that what you want?"

(Ranma shakes his head and Genma gets off of him.)

"Don't pull any more stunts like this without letting me know first! Got it?"

(Ranma nods as he holds his head and sits down again. Genma shakes his head in frustration.)

"Stupid kids…"

_One at home…_

(Genma sits at the table as the family eats dinner. Soun, Kasumi, Nabiki, Akane, Ranma, and Nodoka are all at the table as well. Nodoka looks up.)

"Dear, I think you should pay the Chinese woman that donation."

"No way."

"She's already taught our son plenty of useful techniques! Are you going to put a price on that?"

"You don't pay for that! I know this old hag is full of shit!"

"She is not extorting you…"

"Hey! You obviously don't understand! She knows we can't pay that amount, and she's trying to make us engage our son to her granddaughter as compensation! And you call this a fair deal? Answer me that!"

(No one does.)

"Good."

_And one at work._

(All of the heads are at the executive card game: Genma, Soun, Akira Kuonji, Principal Kuno, the Gambling King, Ranma, Ryoga, Mousse, Pantyhose, Kuno, and a few others. Pantyhose is losing pretty bad. Hikaru Gosunkugi is tries to clean up some spilled noodles from under Pantyhose's feet, and he goes ballistic.)

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Pants, take it easy-"

"I'm losing my nuts over here! This fucking moron's playing hazel!" (Turns back to Hikaru) "Get the hell out of here!"

"I was just trying to sweep the noodles away-"

"Why? Why now? Leave it there!"

"I was just-"

(Taro turns to the teens.)

"Where do you get these idiots, huh? Where do you get them? He's sweeping the noodles, and I'm trying to get-"

(He turns back to Hikaru.)

"Leave the fucking noodles there, all right? I love noodles at my feet! I stick motherfucking yakisoba in my socks at night so they smell like your mother's ass in the morning! Alright? Now leave the stupid, cocksucking noodles where they are! Here, here, here!"

(He picks up a carton of ramen, and pours its contents on the floor behind him.)

"Have a good time, why don't ya!"

(Genma sighs, and shakes his head.)

_And with two families like this…_

(Ranma is practicing kung fu moves in the dark in the teahouse. He hears a knock at the door, and goes to open it. It's another person, about his age. He lets the man in.)

"Hideki Matsumoto."

"Ranma Saotome."

(He brings the man to the butcher room of the teahouse.)

"My old man doesn't know I came. But if we make any kind of progress here, I'm gonna have to tell him."

(Ranma pulls two beers out of the meat locker, and hands one to the guest.)

"Hey, we have to make progress. This war between the dojos is only gonna get worse. You and I are the younger generation, so we have issues in common."

"Where's the stuff?"

"Ah, yes. The reason for the visit."

(Ranma reaches over to the counter, and picks up a butcher's blade with three lines of cocaine on the steel. He lays it on the counter in front of the man.)

"Got it all deployed for you right here." (Takes out a 1,000-yen bill, and rolls it up) "Taste away."

"Gladly."

(He starts to sniff the cocaine, and Ranma walks behind him. He reaches into a box, quietly pulls out a .45 automatic, aims the gun at the back of the mans' neck, and pulls the trigger. Blood splatters all over the counter, and the man falls to the ground. Ranma puts three more rounds into him. With each shot, the camera cuts to a different picture of a famous Yakuza gangster, all of which are hanging on the wall.)

_Things can get very stressful._

(Genma is sitting in a chair across from a woman: it's Sakura from _Urusei Yatsura_. She is his therapist.)

"Have you been taking the lithium?

"Lithium, Prozac. When's it gonna end?"

"We're trying to give a jolt to your system. Just give it a little kick-start-"

"Why don't you just kick me in the fucking head?"

"Look, I know what you're going through must be painful-"

"This isn't painful. Getting shot is painful. Getting your arm broken in two by a cheap move is painful. This shit isn't painful. It's empty…dead."

"Other people are facing problems just like yours."

"Other people don't turn into a panda when they touch fucking cold water!"

_And things definitely don't get better._

(At the headquarters of the Japanese Federal Bureau of Investigation, an officer is moving around B&W photographs on a wall. The pictures are of Happosai, Genma, Soun, Kuonji, Principal Kuno, Ranma, Ryoga, Nabiki, Akane, Ukyo, and a few others, in said order from top to bottom. The man takes the photo of Happosai down, and picks up Genma's photo. He crosses out the word already on it, and writes down BOSS before placing it at the top of the tree.)

_The Saotomes_

(Ranma and Ryoga are walking through the cold, snowy wilderness while searching for an escapee.)

"The Americans? They're not so bad."

"Yeah, what about the fire bombings? They came right over here and torched our cities! Not to mention what they did to Hiroshima and Nagasaki…"

"That was real? I saw that anime, but I thought it was just bullshit!"

_

* * *

He was once a decorated war hero…_

(We are treated to an aerial view of construction site full of chain-gang convicts. A huge piece of a mountainside crumbles, and sends the debris down the hill. Several other convicts start clearing away the debris, while our man, Ryoga Hibiki, comes down the hill, dusting off his hands. When he reaches the bottom of the hill, a couple of armed guards approach him, and take him away.)

_Who's been reduced to the life of a convict._

(Ryoga stands at the edge of the fence, looking right at Soun, who is on the other side.)

"I'm sorry they sent you to such a place, Ryoga. I tried to make things better.)

"I've seen worse, sir."

"But I've got good news. You're needed right now."

(Ryoga raises his eyebrow.)

_But now, he's received the call once again._

(In a military office in China, Ryoga stands before an officer who sits at his desk, reading through records.)

"We believe that there are still some MIA prisoners being held by the clan calling itself the "Musk Dynasty". Since no one knows that area better than you, you are to go in as reconnaissance. You take photos, and we'll pick you up."

"Are you saying I just leave them there?"

"Listen: under NO circumstances are you to engage the enemy. This is just reconnaissance, is that clear?"

(Ryoga sullenly nods his head.)

(Ryoga prepares for his mission. He loads up a modern day bow, as well as several steel-tipped arrows; he packs a submachine gun, a few grenades, a box of explosive arrow tips, a high-tech camera and some film, and, of course, his trademark parasol. He ties up his boots, slips on his thick uniform, and ties on his bandanna.)

_And he's going on one last mission…_

(Soun walks Ryoga to the plane.)

"You've got thirty-six hours to get the hell in and out. So don't stop for anything!"

(Ryoga nods. After he's on the plane, the officer approaches Soun.)

"He better not be imbalanced from the war. We don't need anyone cracking under pressure in that hell."

"Pressure? Let me just say that Hibiki is the best combat fighter there is. Nothing makes him crack. Oh, and one more thing: what you choose to call hell, he calls home."

_But things aren't what they seem…_

(Ryoga, albeit with trouble, has landed in Musk territory. After sneaking into one of the camps, and dealing with a few Musk men with his parasol, he manages to free one prisoner. They reach the escape boat, and sail off- only to find that they've been set up, as a man holds a shotgun on Ryoga.)

"What the hell's happening?"

"We've been sold out."

(It doesn't last, however, as Ryoga reaches into his belt, pulls out a small blade, and jams it into the mans' gut. He then uses the man as a human shield for the pistol blast that comes his way before grabbing the shotgun and blowing away every other man on the boat. The prisoner jumps out of the boat as a Musk boat approaches. Seeing the enemy, Ryoga ducks to avoid fire. He reaches into a box, and pulls out an RPG. When the firing stops, he jumps out, and blows the boat to smithereens. But the wreckage is still coming, and, trying to escape, a surviving man grabs him by the neck. Ryoga jams his parasol straight into the mans' gut, blood spilling everywhere, before diving out of the boat to escape the ensuing explosion.)

(Ryoga and the prisoner are heading up the hill to the rendezvous point, where a chopper is about to land. All of a sudden, the chopper ascends, and flies away. Inside the chopper, Soun is about to jump out when the pilot holds a pistol on him. Back down on the ground, Ryoga stands stunned as dozens of Musk men close in.

_He's been abandoned behind enemy lines…_

(Ryoga is later subjected to all kinds of torture by the Musk men as Herb, the leader of the Musk, looks on. Later, he threatens to kill the prisoners if Ryoga doesn't comply with his orders. But this proves to be his fatal mistake.)

_They thought they could stop Ryoga; they were wrong._

(Ryoga escapes by breaking out of his hold, grabbing back his parasol, and killing several men with it. He then heads into the jungle, where several men follow him. He kills them all, using his bow, parasol, and all his stealth techniques. After he gets out of the jungle, an army of Musk follow him into a tall, thick crop. Ryoga, outside the tall grass, sets the crop on fire, burning all those inside. When armored vehicles pull up to the camp, Ryoga twists on his explosive arrow tips, and fires at the vehicles, destroying them in a blaze of inferno.)

(Later, Ryoga has stolen a military chopper, and attacks the Musk base, blowing up several buildings, and gunning down dozens of men. He then lands, grabs a belt-fed machine gun, and mows down several men on the way to the prison barracks, where he frees the men, and gets them into the chopper. What ensues is a long chopper chase through the mountains of China, and finishes when Ryoga tricks the other pilot, and takes out the enemy chopper with a LAW rocket.)

_Ryoga: First Break Part II_

(Ryoga destroys all the equipment in the military office before letting out a war cry, throwing down the machine gun, and holding the betraying officer at parasol-point.)

_No man, no war, no THING can stop him._

* * *

(We are shown the interior of a Christian Chapel in Singapore. The place is a complete mess. A massacre has no doubt just taken place. Bullet holes, blood, burned spots, and severed limbs are everywhere. Among the victims of this slaughter are Mousse, in duck form, who has been chopped up, feathers everywhere; Ryoga, in human form, has been hacked at the arms, wounds all over, and his face frozen in utter fear; Akari, who was simply shot and bludgeoned several times; Soun, who has been impaled to a building by several blades; Genma, in panda form, who's head has been separated from his body; also, Kasumi and Nodoka have all been brutally shot and beaten as well. Then, the camera pans to the final murder: a tuxedo-clad Ranma, who has been severely beaten, sliced, shot, and impaled through the head with a blade. Everyone we know and love is dead.) 

(Only one person has survived. A lone girl, clad in a bloodstained wedding dress, lays on the floor. It's Akane. She is struggling to breathe, and is looking up at four other figures who are standing above her: Shampoo, Ukyo, Kodachi, and Pantyhose, all dressed in black, and carrying their trademark weapons. They are all looking back down at her, giving her the cold stare. Also, we briefly see Nabiki sitting down behind the others, talking on a cell. Suddenly, the camera focuses on Akane's mortified face as a robe-clad limb wipes away the blood from her face.

"Well, well, well. Akane Tendo. It's a real shame that it had to end up this way. You could have been in a much better place now. But no. You had to interfere. And now…no one can be happy. Because you wouldn't listen…and leave Ranma to my Shampoo."

(Akane spits blood at the one talking to her, and takes on a grimace as she speaks.)

"Old hag…to hell with-" (a small mace to the head silences her.)

_She was betrayed...and left for dead.._

(In a Singapore hospital, an unconscious Akane suddenly bolts awake. She shivers as she remembers what happened.)

_And now, she's out for revenge…_

(Akane heads to Okinawa, where she meets the legendary sword forger- Dr. Tofu.)

"Why did you come to me?"

"Because I need a weapon."

"I don't make instruments of death anymore."

"I think I can tell you why I need your help."

(In the next shot, Akane is kneeling before Dr. Tofu, who is presenting her with the new Samurai sword. She receives the weapon, and bows.)

(Cue _Battle Without Honor_, by Tomoyasu Hotei.)

_Sweet, bloody REVENGE._

(An airliner flies over the city of Hong Kong. In the streets of Hong Kong, a limo cruises the streets, surrounded by several henchmen on motorbikes. It heads to a clubhouse, and parks out front. Out of the limo steps Shampoo, all dressed up, and surrounded by cronies, including Nabiki. Back down the street, Akane, in a yellow biker suit, follows the same route.)

(In Osaka, Ukyo walks into her shop, and sets down her things- only to sense danger. She reaches out and grabs her spatula, and whips around just in time to meet Akane and her sword. The two start going at it like mad.)

(Shampoo is standing at the foot of the balcony of the clubhouse, surrounded by her henchmen. She watches as Akane holds Nabiki hostage, and narrows her eyes as Akane hacks Nabiki's arm off. All the other patrons flee as the armed henchmen attack Akane by the dozen. They, however, are clearly outmatched, as she hacks them to bits with her bit of steel. Not even the black-and-white cinematography can save the viewer from the gruesomeness as limbs and heads go flying, blood sprays from sockets, and eyes, spines and larynxes are removed by hand. And yes, Akane is dressed in the same suit as Bruce Lee from _Game of Death_.)

(In Tokyo, Akane faces Kodachi head on in a her own mansion. The body of Pantyhose-bull is sprawled out across the floor, having crashed through the roof. She no doubt did something to his head, which is bleeding out of the empty eye sockets. Kodachi eyes the mess in her house, and attacks Akane with a sword of her own, as well as several gymnastic weapons.)

(In the mountains of China, Akane trains with Happosai. However, even when armed with a sword, she cannot touch him. We see various clips of her doing extremely tough tasks while he watches.)

(In a quick three-way clip, Akane kills all three of her young female enemies. Ukyo is covered in burning sauce, sliced at the gut, and thrown onto the burning grill, where Akane uses her own spatula to press her down. Kodachi is tricked, strangled with her own ribbon, and held down as Akane removes both of her eyes with her bare hands. And Shampoo, in a snowy hot springs area, is cut down on the head after a lengthy swordfight. She falls to the ground, where blood stains the snow.)

(Akane enters a small Chinese restaurant in her hometown, and meets her last target: it's Cologne, looking like she always does. Akane slowly draws her sword, and gestures. The old hag replies.)

_Kill Hag_

(Back in Hong Kong, Shampoo watches as Akane is surrounded by dozens of henchmen.)

"You no think it be that easy, did you?"

(Akane smiles.) "You know, for a second there…yeah, I kinda' did."

(Akane leaps over a thug, and cuts him down the middle as she passes. Much blood flows.)

(Ed. Note: this was for all you Akane-bashers…you just come on down.)

* * *

(It's a shot of early morning Tokyo. The sun is rising, and people are heading to work. We see several more similar shots until we come to a stop on a small business. All of a sudden, a bomb goes off, destroying the building, and sending several cars on the nearby road flying. Several people lay on the ground, some of them dead.) 

_In the hands of a mastermind of terror…_

(We see a shot of a middle-aged, but nonetheless good-looking man wearing sunglasses. He's obviously Korean.)

(In the next shot, we see Ryoga holding a phone, listening to the said man.)

"I want to play a game with Sgt. Saotome."

(We see a shot of Ranma, looking down and dirty in a wife-beater, listening as well. The police chief answers.)

"What kind of game?"

(Down in the city, in the middle of an intersection, a piece of the ground explodes from out of the subway station. Debris is falling everywhere, and sirens are blazing as the people panic.)

"Simon Says."

_The path to revenge leads straight to Ranma Saotome._

(Ranma is sitting on the floor of a subway car, his back against the hull. Several officers, including the chief, are talking to him.)

"If we don't do what this guy says, he's gonna blow up another public place."

"Well, why me? What the hell's it got to do with me?"

"I have no idea, he just said it had to be you."

(Ranma sighs angrily.)

"It's nice to be needed."

(In another shot, in the streets of Tokyo, Ranma and Ryoga are listening at a payphone.)

"Simon says get to the payphone at Tokyo train station before 10:20, or the #3 train and its passengers vaporize."

(Back at the police station, Ryoga is about to leave.)

"Where are you going, Hibiki?"

"I'm not jumping through hoops for Ranma! He's gotten me into enough trouble already! If it's his problem, he can deal with it!"

(In the busy streets, the duo are racing through traffic in a stolen taxi, with Ranma at the wheel. Ryoga is not happy.)

"What the hell are you doing, Saotome?"

"Shut up, I know what I'm doing!"

(Ranma then barely misses a bus full of people.)

"Not even the Gods know what you're doing!"

(Back at the station, a psychologist and the chief are talking to Ranma.)

"This guy wants to pound on you until you crumble-"

(In the streets, Ranma is trying to avoid all the people in the park while doing 65.)

"Are you _aiming_ for these people?"

"NO! Well…maybe that kabuki guy."

(Station again.)

"He wants you to dance to his game, and then- kill you."

(In the national bank near the subway station, Simon leads his men through security, then catches a pistol that one of his cronies throws to him. He aims it at the lone security man left, and smiles.)

(Back in the park, Ranma and Ryoga are racing towards the last place they want to go- up a ramp-like rock, and into traffic.)

"Oh god."

"Ranmaaaaaa!"

(The car crashes into a stream of others, causing a pileup.)

(When the two are trying to disarm a bomb in the park, they begin to argue while all the people around stare.)

"What the hell are you so mad about?"

"I'm mad because you doing things to get me killed!"

(After they try to slide off a bridge onto a freighter by a crane, the cable breaks, and they plummet towards the deck as the boat passes. A lone, unsuspecting guard on the deck gets cut in two by the swinging cable, and Ranma and Ryoga land with a crash on the deck.)

_With two men against dozens…_

(Ranma lifts up a drain piece in the sidewalk to reveal a moving subway car underneath.)

"This is a bad idea…"

(He leaps onto the car, nearly fall over the side, and manages to kick open a window and slip inside. He finds the bomb inside a phone box, and draws his pistol and badge.)

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm a Tokyo police officer! I'm gonna ask you calmly and quietly to start moving towards the other end of the car!"

(They do so in a slight panic.)

…_in a city of chaos…_

(Ryoga is at the station, standing next to the payphone with a few police officers. He knows what's about to happen, and starts to kneel down.)

"Trust me guys…DUCK."

(Ranma prepares to throw the bomb out of the subway car.)

…_anything can happen._

(The bomb detonates, and sends the subway car careening off the track, and sliding through the station, people running away from it. Ryoga shoves people out of the way as everyone runs from the subway car.)

(In a van in the middle of the city, Ranma and the others have just listened to Simons' last broadcast.)

"There's some guy out there setting off bombs. And, for some reason, he's very angry with me."

(Simon and the others laugh as they watch the chaos from atop an office building. Simon smiles as he spots the long line of dump trucks heading for the subway.)

"This, as they say, is where the plot thickens."

(Down in the subway, a large drilling construction vehicle tears down the wall separating it from the Federal Reserve Bank.)

(Ranma, who is driving a dump truck of stolen gold bars, talks to the chief by phone.)

"They knocked over the Federal Reserve!"

(In the suburban streets, a truck full of armed cronies chases Ranma and Ryoga, firing their submachine guns. Ranma tears out the anti-lock breaks, breaks into a spin, and guns down the men with his pistol.)

(We see several more shots: the truck falling off the bridge and into the bay, people running to avoid the careening subway car, the underground irrigation system as it fills with water, Ranma riding on top of the dump truck and grabbing onto a sewer entry to avoid the water, then Ranma being flushed out of the sewer, and flying into the air before landing in the mud- in his girl form.)

(In the subway station, Simon talks on his radio.)

"Congratulations! You're still alive!"

(On the other end, Ranma, in the dump truck, responds.)

"Yippee Ki-Yay, motherfucker-"

(Ranma and Ryoga leap off the freighter just as it explodes, sending them flying through the air. The blazing inferno is visible all throughout the bay.)

_Tokyo…With a Vengeance!_

(Ranma, in girl form, enters the bank, and shows the security her badge.)

"Ranma Saotome, Tokyo PD."

"That's a mans' badge."

(Ranma looks at herself, surprised.)

"Oh, uh…it's my brothers'. I'm filling in for him today…heh heh…"

* * *

(In the dark, dirty streets of Tokyo, steam rises up from the subway vents in the ground. Suddenly, a figure starts to appear from out of the steam. The figure keeps walking until he steps into the streetlight. It's Ryoga, in full gear, and looking very tired.) 

_Some men never find home…_

(Ryoga walks through the streets during the day, which are now busy. He stands out from the rest of the crowd, which looks business-class.)

_They just keep going from place to place…never stopping for long…_

(Ryoga approaches the manager of a construction group.)

"I'm here for a job."

"We don't have many spots left. What can you do?"

(He walks outside, to a nearby slab of rock, and demolishes it with the breaking point. The man watches in amazement through the door.)

_They are the men who have no home. They are the drifters._

(Ryoga continues to work in the construction yard overnight, and observes the nightlife of the city. Gangs are running around, prostitutes are loitering, and muggings are frequently occurring.)

(Voiceover) "Nobody notices drifters or lowlifes on the street. They do anything in front of them. It's as though they're not even there."

(Ryoga notices a young girl in skimpy clothes running his way. She looks like she's about to ask for help, but is stopped by a guy who looks like a young pimp. It's Ranma, and he shoos Ryoga off as he takes the girl away.)

(Later, Ryoga is talking to a local politician at a rally.)

"Well, you know, sir, this city…it's like an open sewer, it's full of filth and scum."

"I know what you mean, Ryoga. But, believe me, it's not gonna be easy to change all that."

(At n indoor firing range, Ryoga is blowing away practice targets with a .44 magnum.)

(Back at the rally, Ryoga is talking to a secret service guard.)

"How'd you guys get to be agents like this?"

"Why?"

"Oh, I was just curious, 'cause I thought maybe I'd make a good one."

(Ryoga continues to blow away targets with various pistols.)

(At the campaign office, Ryoga approaches Akane, who is working at a desk for the Senator.)

"Hi. I'd like to volunteer."

(Akane looks at him strange.)

"Why is that?"

"Why? Because I think that you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in my life."

(Akane blushes slightly.)

_The drifter is looking for a target. Getting ready. Getting organized._

(We see clips of Ryoga doing several things in his apartment room: doing push-ups with a clap in between every one; doing pull-ups on a bar; creating an arm-based device for his guns; jumping out of bed and pulling a knife from his boot; holding his bare, muscular arm over the flame of a stove; sorting his ammunition, and using a knife and a hammer to make snub-nose bullets out of his magnum rounds.)

_Preparing himself for the only moment in his life that will ever mean anything…_

(Ryoga stands in front of a mirror, with two shoulder-holsters strapped on. In a single instant, he draws both pistols.)

(Ryoga is making a deal with a black market salesman over several guns.)

"How much for everything?"

"35,000 yen for the magnum, 25,000 for the .38, 12,500 for the .25, and 15,000 for the .380."

(Ryoga stands outside the construction yard, wearing dark, horn-rimmed sunglasses. Akane, across the street in the office, notices him.)

"That construction worker's been staring at us…"

(Back in his room, Ryoga stands in the center of the room, turning to look at the mirror.)

"You talkin' to me?...You talkin' to _me_? Well, who the hell else are you talking to, huh? Well, I'm the only one here, so you talkin' to me?"

(Akane and Ryoga are sitting in a restaurant.)

"I don't think I've met anyone quite like you."

(Back in the room, once again.)

"Oh yeah? Try it!"

(He throws his hand forward, and a pistol slides out of his sleeve. He smiles evilly.)

(In a dark apartment, he walks through the halls. He has shaved his head down to a Mohawk. When a man appears in the hall, Ryoga blows his hand off with the .44 magnum. Ryoga dispatches another man with the magnum before being shot from behind in the shoulder. He slides another gun out of his sleeve, turns around, and shoots Ranma four times, sending him crashing to the ground.)

(Upstairs, the young girl watches as Ryoga uses his knife and gun to finish off the last thug. Exhausted and bleeding, he lays against the wall as sirens approach. When the police arrive, they stare, open-mouthed at the scene in front of him. Ryoga puts his hand to his head in a gun-like fashion, pulls the trigger three times, and smiles.)

_Drifter_

_Come see the shocking truth of the men you see everyday._

* * *

Whew! We're done. I really hope you're enjoying these, 'cause I keep getting more ideas. Yes, several of them have come from you reviewers. And, yes, there will be a Blues Brothers parody done soon. If I get enough reviews, maybe it will be in the next chapter. And now, the key: 

Parody #1: _The Sopranos_

Parody #2: _Rambo: First Blood Part II_

Parody #3: _Kill Bill_

Parody #4: _Die Hard: With a Vengeance_

Parody #5: _Taxi Driver_

I know I said I didn't like too many current mainstream movies or shows, but there are some exceptions, of course. _The Sopranos_ and _Kill Bill_ are two of them. _Rambo_ is the sequel to _First Blood_, probably the most explosive movie Sylvester Stallone has ever done (it still can't hold a tail to _Predator_, though). Expect a _Rambo III_ parody later. _Die Hard 3_ is the final installment of the great action series, and is complete in this fic. And as for _Taxi Driver_…words cannot express my love for that film. I am a huge Scorsese wiz, so expect to see more of his works in this fic. The movie may be disturbing, but it's fucking wonderful. Robert De Niro at his best.

Anyway, that's all for now. I'll try and get the next one up soon enough. I have other fics I'm trying to get back on track, though, so keep reading and reviewing. Happy trails.


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